Posts Tagged ‘suicide’

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It’s come to the point of defeat. Life has hit ground zero and for whatever reason, I’m numb. Deactivation, seclusion, isolation is best for me. Checking out-literally from social existence. I’m praying for all those dealing with their struggles, valleys, depths of despair and moments of sunshine. Hang on to those sun shines; because they are what is going to pull us through the darkness. 

My health is struggling badly. Physically worse than mentally. I’m not looking for pity, not looking for anything honestly just need to have my one safe place, wordpress it is! No judgements no misunderstanding, no room for failure here right? Each and everyone of us bloggers especially mental health junkies, well, we get to hide behind a screen but accept and understand one another all just the same. I’ve missed blogging but haven’t been able to put my chaotic thoughts into words (obviously) for one to begin to understand so I just bottled it all up. And cut. Yeah I’m a cutter. Finally I have to admit it to myself. 

Damnit I want a mom, a dad, just one frieken person that doesn’t come conditionally. Trying to be a perfect person is exhausting especially when you know how broken physically and mentally you are. Trying to remind myself I was once really happy. Once super strong. Once not too long ago wasn’t plagued and had a chance at a future, maybe a family of my own since I certainly was robbed of that from the start. Now it’s all impossible. I’m tainted & can only thank God for my kids, and I guess the breath in my lungs. 

Tomorrow has got to be a better day. It has to be. It’s not possible to be a screw-up forever is it? Who knows maybe no longer existing socially for awhile will be cleansing. I was once told, “When you are not wanted, there is no longer need for your existence.” Choosing to love yourself through the shame and defeat is the hardest thing to do, but I refuse to die even though I may cry. Taking my life is not going to accomplish anything. 

Tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be. It just has to be. 

Everything literally everything is whirl winding and plummeting to the bottom. Now today new diagnosis. Oh no not mental. Physical. Horrid. Awful. Painful. Disgusting. It’s been one slam and punch after another week after week. How is it possible to be in such an amazing place one minute with oneself and others then complete opposite the next? 

Please please excuse the tangent for a moment I am just at the point of defeat God I hate to admit it but it’s true. Defeat. I came from nothing and for soooo very long had such ambition and drive to overcome the pain & hurt the horrid blackness surrounding my existence from the moment I came into this world. Blow after blow. Emotional abuse, neglect, physical abuse, depression, anxiety, social inability to function, then came the sexual abuse and more physical abuse. 

The night terrors are ripping my soul to shreds regularly nowadays. Finally I accomplished something never in a lifetime did I think I could do living with a learning disability but wow hey I did it. And for what? To be fired. Because I’m not the perfect person. I have PTSD, anxiety, ADHD. Because I tried to kill myself wanting nothing more than to end the constant internal chaos. Because I’m a domestic violence survivor, been raped, oh yeah I’m just the crazy chick. Yup the weird one who pushes everyone away because I’m SO afraid every time I give, I’ll get thrown down. When life changes I sometimes just don’t know how to cope causing everyone to run as far away as possible. God it’s the loneliest existence but maybe it’s best. 

I tried so hard to be this model Mom and balance it all. Get a degree and show them I could do it so these little people they could look up to me. What the hell happened? 

Everything I knew and was shooting for is in pieces over the last several months. Ever since I finished school & started working. Failure. Sheer failure is what I see. I just wasn’t enough. My relationships are struggling. My boyfriend is exasperated with my constant ups and downs. It’s just too much. My friends feel abandoned. Why is it just never ever enough. My abuser (daughters father) lingering around every time I look up he’s just there. Lingering. Like it’s ok. It’s funny to him or something. While I’m soooooo happy for our daughter that he’s better with her his constant presence around ME well, it’s killing me and bringing me back to all the toxic emotional abuse and physical beatings that I endured regularly. 

Open mindedness and being able to accept corrective critisism helped me become a better mother. While I am thankful the damage was already done for others on the outside and pushed them away because I was inpatient with her and myself. God says give yourself grace. I thought I knew what grace was and how to apply that and I’m clearly failing at that lately too. Learning I had something a few months ago I’ll never get rid of even though I was careful & trusted crushed me then I got over it and just accepted. Working so hard to keep a job and be a successful professional just to be judged and discrimated against ultimately ending up right back where I started. Crushing? The word cannot begin to explain. 

Nausea, back pain, vomiting, nightmares, anxiety, cold sweats, cutting, suicidal thoughts, then pulling myself out for only a short time until the spiral begins all over again. How the hell is a way to live? 

All I want to do every day is pull the covers back over my head and make it all go away. Sleep until it’s gone. Recluse so my stupid outbursts won’t hurt or matter to anyone and can do no harm. It’s too much for everyone myself included. I can’t talk to my dad. I don’t effn have one. I can’t talk to my mom, the version of one I’m supposed to have hasn’t spoken to me since my birthday. My trio is broken with their own stress and battles. All I want to do is fall into the man I gave my heart to arms and rest, hear his calming voice tell me it’s gonna be ok, brushing my hair and being tender like he is. But I keep screwing that up too. 

Struggling to stay in therapy and take my meds regularly like I know I’m supposed to but that make me sick day after day. Fighting for morals and my dignity professionally. Trying my damndest to be the best mom I can and become a better one. It’s exhausting and is so damn hard! All I’ve ever wanted and keep striving for is normalcy. Wanting nothing more than for things to get back to what they used to be but with the positive progressions not regression. All I’m doing is failing miserably. 

  

“Tears.They just won’t fall. Silence it is. Silence is all. The guilt. The pain. Words can’t begin to explain. ” 

Forcing myself to run through the monotonous motions of the days. 

  

Originally Posted on MINDS LIKE OURS :

I found this website below to have a lot of useful worksheets: Tons of Therapy Worksheets are located here

Source: Worksheets

 

 

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“Before I got here, I thought for a long time that the way out of the labyrinth was to pretend that it did not exist, to build a small, self-sufficient world in the back corner of the endless maze and to pretend that I was not lost, but home.”  -John Green

Days it’s been; unable to find words for my thoughts. Today a bit harder than the rest. Prayer is it. All that I have. Why? I don’t know. Waiting for the storm to pass. It has to. Moments in the depth of defeat feeling like my feet, then legs, risen to my waist in the quicksand. Some days better than others but the strength is wearing thin. God can do this. He will get back in, making the weight lift from within. I can do this. I’m strong. I will defeat the dark. My soul to rise once again.

Breathe

Every single day of our lives comes with trials, lessons, tribulations, blessings, emotions touching & intertwining with each of our senses. Some wanted. Some unwanted. Mental illness/disorders such as PTSD/C-PTSD, and many others merely intensify these experiences.

For me, faith and a higher being (The Lord) is my saving grace. My light at the end of the tunnel when deep inside, all is black. He blesses me with His unconditional love as a Father, which I have never ever had & don’t know. Feel free to read more about my journey of life not knowing who my Dad is. Leave a comment. Share your thoughts or experiences if you may 🙂

God for my kids & I, He turned what seemed like the end, into a brand new beginning for us. I was homeless. Living in the battered women’s shelter. Lost everything. Surviving the 3rd account of Domestic Violence with my youngest’s Dad, and 3rd intimate abusive relationship. Surviving suicide. Suffering from ADHD, PTSD/C-PTSD, Anxiety, Depression & BPD traits. Everyone has different beliefs. I am certainly not one to judge or shove mine down your throat. Whatever it is that keeps you going, gives you hope, allows you to have the strength to get through each moment of the days we endure & live, this happens to be mine. Hope all you surivivors, amazing souls, community of support here and afar can smile one more smile that maybe you didn’t necassarily have when you woke up this morning!

I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love . I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.- God

Some people collect rare coins, or stamps, or ancient antiques.

Some fill their homes with exquisite jewels and vintage vinyl records; hearts swelling with pride as their trophies stagnate among swirling dust motes and the echo of past accolades.

Me, I’m a little different. I collect something infinitely more precious than anything I can buy or trade. I treasure soul mates.

I won’t love you immediately, I’m sorry. Sometimes I wish that I could, but I’m just not made that way. Some of you will never make it through the barriers of my heart. You won’t notice of course; you can’t miss what you have never had, and I don’t fancy myself so very important to your day-to-day life anyway.

I am a little magpie, whose eye is caught by the sparkle of certain souls. You will see me tilt my head to the side, looking at you, smiling through wry lips as I allow myself to see you. And once I do love you, I will move heaven and earth to adore you, no matter what, for as long as you allow me to.

You will never know a love like it.

I will keep you safely in my pocket and protect you fiercely. I will accept all of you: the light and the darkness. If I feel something beautiful in you, I will long to keep you forever. This is a double-edged sword, of course. “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” I’m the first to admit that I’m not very good at letting go of my treasured ones when the time comes, even when it is best for us both. Even though I understand that not everyone we meet is destined to be in our lives forever.

Logically, I understand. Emotionally, it hurts like hell.

Grief will render me senseless.

I will weep, and yell and, sometimes, I will behave badly. Forgive me please. Pain will do that to a person. It means that you have had such an impact on my life that I struggle to imagine what shape I will take without you. It means that I do not want to live in a world where we don’t talk everyday, and where your smile doesn’t light up my life on a regular basis.

It means that I don’t feel ready to say goodbye, even though it might be time.

Maybe you came to me because I was struggling, as angels often do, to share the heavy load that weighed on my heart. You wiped my tears away, softly soothed back my hair and let me know that everything would be okay, someday.

Perhaps you came to teach me about myself, about who I really am. To show me how to be strong, how to embrace the natural beauty of our world, and how to use it to inspire my creations. You gave me a piece of yourself to forever reflect within me and I truly love you for that.

I believe that I brought something to your life too; that we changed each other in ways that can never be undone, leaving footprints on each other’s soul to cherish. Yet, it appears we have taught each other all that we can for the moment.

We have shared our last sunset together and our laughter is a memory that resonates fondly in my heart.

This doesn’t mean we don’t love each other anymore, far from it. In fact, we love each other enough to want the other to continue their journey onwards through life, to new adventures and growth, and new soul mates with different lessons—knowing that they can always reach out to us with trembling hands in turbulent times.

Every time we let go, we make space for new and beautiful things to enter our lives. One door closes, and another is waiting to show us to fresh marvels, if we are brave enough to open it.

I am learning to hold on with gratitude to all that I learn from my soul mates, to cherish the time that we shared and to let them go if the time is right, without regret. I realize now that we must love with abandon, giving our hearts fully and freely, even knowing that one day it might hurt us badly.

The fact that love is not guaranteed forever makes it all the more precious.

Let’s treasure that.

JoJo Rawden