Posts Tagged ‘memories’

Relationship Truth

There is always one.  One day. maybe. We all will have the chance again. 

Living with mental illness, surviving all the traumas. Odds seems so much less, everything in my world shattered. All because of me. Trying to see the light. The positivity. Grateful for the good, because there is. So much to smile about. 

Day by day, moment after moment. Praying. Doing the right thing. Solitude. Silence. Focus and growing while enduring the pain with a smile. Learning from each mistake made. Each experience, whether good or bad. Trying with all the might I have,  to be a better person. So this never happens again. Recover. Learn again. Push the pain away. Will it ever end?

Anxiety Girl

Ocassionaly this is me. So accurately. Praying hard for no more than God’s grace & mercy. Deep breath. No less, it shall all pass.”-mistakenldy

PTSD fact

Here explains having no words.

Trauma Tree

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“Before I got here, I thought for a long time that the way out of the labyrinth was to pretend that it did not exist, to build a small, self-sufficient world in the back corner of the endless maze and to pretend that I was not lost, but home.”  -John Green

Days it’s been; unable to find words for my thoughts. Today a bit harder than the rest. Prayer is it. All that I have. Why? I don’t know. Waiting for the storm to pass. It has to. Moments in the depth of defeat feeling like my feet, then legs, risen to my waist in the quicksand. Some days better than others but the strength is wearing thin. God can do this. He will get back in, making the weight lift from within. I can do this. I’m strong. I will defeat the dark. My soul to rise once again.

“I have no words.” the first thing I said. Why? Because I literally couldn’t find the right ones in my head to begin to explain my thoughts and feelings. Silence is sometimes the most calming & effective thing for people like me. I have severe PTSD, anxiety AND ADHD. Click on the link to read more about this. Ha! IMG_2158Sucks but it is what is; reality as a part of life for me.

Today is my Mother’s birthday. Maybe my boyfriend’s question is right, “are you having a hard time w/ that today?” I said, “no.” But maybe he’s right now that I think about it. Maybe not.

“What is wrong?” he asks. My answer, “I don’t like it when my intelligence is insulted.” There’s a few reasons i feel like that. I’ve been lied to, manipulated, mentally spun in circles as though my mental strength was a science experiment.

Am I right? Ever? Ehhh, sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong. I am fearful each time this situation comes up; my mind spinning, emotions wherever (not always in one specific place) they can be classified as. What if I just spit shit out & it’s not the right words? What if I am just processing flashback emotions and it will pass? What if I am not realizing exactly what symptoms happening right now? How is the person going to react? Am I going to hurt them w/ my inability to express who, what, when, why, & how verbally? Are they going to take it right? Are they going to understand? Are they going to care even for a moment about who I am & what I deal with inside? Am I going to just get pushed away? In my world the answer to the very last questions is the ONLY result I see. “NO.”

That being said, I stay quiet. Try to process it & let the shit storm pass. Get through it & accept that this is life for me. Period. No one gives a damn & it’s just better in solitude. They always say they do & will be there not pushing me away saying they get it or atleast try to but each time once they know they have me & my soul, it isnt the same & that is all gone. And yes, “i’ll be embarrassed when I’m wrong.” I always feel like I’m a freak or stupid or off and just am screwed up so it is too hard for anyone to give me unconditional love I give.

Or who knows maybe it’s that I don’t know what that means at all. How could I right? The very person. The very one being that I came out of. She didn’t give me unconditional love. Everything & everyone comes with terms & conditions. While I do my very best to offer that to the ones I choose to hold dear in my heart & soul; I may never know what it’s like myself.

Other than God. He has that for me. That I have security in.
Clearly, I have a lot more learning to do.

Every single day of our lives comes with trials, lessons, tribulations, blessings, emotions touching & intertwining with each of our senses. Some wanted. Some unwanted. Mental illness/disorders such as PTSD/C-PTSD, and many others merely intensify these experiences.

For me, faith and a higher being (The Lord) is my saving grace. My light at the end of the tunnel when deep inside, all is black. He blesses me with His unconditional love as a Father, which I have never ever had & don’t know. Feel free to read more about my journey of life not knowing who my Dad is. Leave a comment. Share your thoughts or experiences if you may 🙂

God for my kids & I, He turned what seemed like the end, into a brand new beginning for us. I was homeless. Living in the battered women’s shelter. Lost everything. Surviving the 3rd account of Domestic Violence with my youngest’s Dad, and 3rd intimate abusive relationship. Surviving suicide. Suffering from ADHD, PTSD/C-PTSD, Anxiety, Depression & BPD traits. Everyone has different beliefs. I am certainly not one to judge or shove mine down your throat. Whatever it is that keeps you going, gives you hope, allows you to have the strength to get through each moment of the days we endure & live, this happens to be mine. Hope all you surivivors, amazing souls, community of support here and afar can smile one more smile that maybe you didn’t necassarily have when you woke up this morning!

I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love . I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.- God

Some people collect rare coins, or stamps, or ancient antiques.

Some fill their homes with exquisite jewels and vintage vinyl records; hearts swelling with pride as their trophies stagnate among swirling dust motes and the echo of past accolades.

Me, I’m a little different. I collect something infinitely more precious than anything I can buy or trade. I treasure soul mates.

I won’t love you immediately, I’m sorry. Sometimes I wish that I could, but I’m just not made that way. Some of you will never make it through the barriers of my heart. You won’t notice of course; you can’t miss what you have never had, and I don’t fancy myself so very important to your day-to-day life anyway.

I am a little magpie, whose eye is caught by the sparkle of certain souls. You will see me tilt my head to the side, looking at you, smiling through wry lips as I allow myself to see you. And once I do love you, I will move heaven and earth to adore you, no matter what, for as long as you allow me to.

You will never know a love like it.

I will keep you safely in my pocket and protect you fiercely. I will accept all of you: the light and the darkness. If I feel something beautiful in you, I will long to keep you forever. This is a double-edged sword, of course. “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” I’m the first to admit that I’m not very good at letting go of my treasured ones when the time comes, even when it is best for us both. Even though I understand that not everyone we meet is destined to be in our lives forever.

Logically, I understand. Emotionally, it hurts like hell.

Grief will render me senseless.

I will weep, and yell and, sometimes, I will behave badly. Forgive me please. Pain will do that to a person. It means that you have had such an impact on my life that I struggle to imagine what shape I will take without you. It means that I do not want to live in a world where we don’t talk everyday, and where your smile doesn’t light up my life on a regular basis.

It means that I don’t feel ready to say goodbye, even though it might be time.

Maybe you came to me because I was struggling, as angels often do, to share the heavy load that weighed on my heart. You wiped my tears away, softly soothed back my hair and let me know that everything would be okay, someday.

Perhaps you came to teach me about myself, about who I really am. To show me how to be strong, how to embrace the natural beauty of our world, and how to use it to inspire my creations. You gave me a piece of yourself to forever reflect within me and I truly love you for that.

I believe that I brought something to your life too; that we changed each other in ways that can never be undone, leaving footprints on each other’s soul to cherish. Yet, it appears we have taught each other all that we can for the moment.

We have shared our last sunset together and our laughter is a memory that resonates fondly in my heart.

This doesn’t mean we don’t love each other anymore, far from it. In fact, we love each other enough to want the other to continue their journey onwards through life, to new adventures and growth, and new soul mates with different lessons—knowing that they can always reach out to us with trembling hands in turbulent times.

Every time we let go, we make space for new and beautiful things to enter our lives. One door closes, and another is waiting to show us to fresh marvels, if we are brave enough to open it.

I am learning to hold on with gratitude to all that I learn from my soul mates, to cherish the time that we shared and to let them go if the time is right, without regret. I realize now that we must love with abandon, giving our hearts fully and freely, even knowing that one day it might hurt us badly.

The fact that love is not guaranteed forever makes it all the more precious.

Let’s treasure that.

JoJo Rawden

Reblogging this perfect quote that touched my soul & deep in my heart at the very moment I needed to read it most. Hope this touches any one that needs it too. X

tellingheavysecrets

Today’s chosen quote is one from my favourite Sufi poet. His words give me comfort on many a day. They soothe the places deep inside that hurt.

the wound

This is a profound quote which for me means that the places I am most wounded contain also the seeds of my liberation.

They are a way back to myself! We have to face our past and the demons that we have within us, in whatever shape or form they are. Once we have the courage to decide to do this, we become liberated from all the shame and the pull of the past and are able to allow the light in.

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In our world (battling w/ mental illness) those of use who have survived a suicide attempt; knowing deeply what it means, wanting, believing no longer existing is the only thing that will stop the pain. Not only of oneself but those around us. An unfortunate reality. This innate darkness. It. Is real. 
Friends are a blessing. True, genuine friends are a must. Loved ones. A must. Unconditional love, no question asked. No word too hard. Too much. All a definite must. This is what people like me need. Bringing us back to surface. 

We get to this place of darkness for one or many reasons (triggers if you may) that feel, seem, believe are unbearable. They are not. 

It. 

Is. 

Real. 

Stress can only be held inside, buried so deep, until it surfaces & erupts. 
For awhile I have pondered the perplexity of my loved ones happiness in excess of my own nonexistence. Feeling it would be vast. Abundant. This is not true. I had to have a reality check once again in order to NOT completely lose myself. 

So here it is:

I’ve had so much loss in death around me over the last several months. Over abundance of stress. BUT. Key word here. BUT. My children, God’s beautiful children He blessed me w/ on earth; they NEED me. They love me.  A roof over our heads.  A new running, reliable vehicle when there was no light for the truck driven before Monday. My Grandmother. The most selfless, honorable woman on this planet. Loving & excepting me as I am. A team in med school much needed to get through this mentally challenging chapter to reach the ultimate goal. Friends. Real true friends that care, respect, unjudging of my flaws. And last but definitely NOT least a partner. A man to share the smiles, laughter, pain, sweat, tears & adventure of life with. Each of us pray and/or hope for these treasures in our days of life at one point or another. I have been blessed. 

Last night I broke. It took too much out of me. I fell down. Weak. Dispared. My boyfriend; he helped me. Saved my life not even knowing. I had a plan. It made sense. Eliminate myself from the painful equation & all will be well for those closest to my heart. No more me dissapointing them. Making the wrong decisions. Saying & doing the wrong things at the wrong times. They would have peace b/c I would no longer be in order for there to be issue. Of any kind. 
The sweet innocent eyes of my children, the encouraging words of my little girl, “Momma I love you & you ARE perfect.” The man that reminds me daily of his depth, sincerity & honor of me as his woman. My person, not another can compare or begin to understand the bond & connection she & I have reminding me she loves me & cant exist without me. Friends. Male and female, Iron Maidens being the life line at the darkest lowest moments enforcing they have seen my strength. “I wont’t accept that as an option, you killing yourself.”my dear friend said today.  “Don’t even think that!” boyfriend said to me last night. 

It all is what save me from giving up. Saved me from my demons. Taking my life….oh how easy it would have been but the aftermath? The aftermath…..no one deserved. Therefore I chose to live.