Posts Tagged ‘hope’

This is so hard to post, contrary to general belief. I have never had to reach out to others and community for help like this. I am still in shock that life is at the point it has come to. Literally takes everything in me day to day not to throw my hands up in the air and just keep my faith grounded. I know we have to trust in the Lord and let Him handle the things we can not control on our own. To all who can relate and are dealing with the same conditions and/or illnesses; please KNOW you are not alone ever. There is always someone near you would have never imagined is in the amount of excruciating pain and suffering just because we look ok on the outside. Just getting out of bed in the morning and getting back into it at night is a struggle.

I have recently been diagnosed with two autoimmune disorders; Fibromyalgia and Ankylosing Spondylitis. Both of which I have been suffering from for years. I was misdiagnosed and treated for chronic pain (non-narcotic). Lupus runs in my family, the little bit I have learned from the only person I am very close to, my beautiful Grandmother. This is the very first time I am stepping out of my comfort zone and posting as personal as I am. Names, my children and I’s picture. It’s a scary step and attempt but bravery is the choice I have at this point. Thank you to all who take the time to read through this post.

picture of people sitting

Me & My Kids


Thank you for taking your time to read My Story & for Sharing it on social media, Liking, and for your support..

My Story

Hello. I am a single mother of three children (one of whom I adopted), and am in dire need of a personal vehicle. Here is a brief account of my circumstances:

After rounds of hopeless tests to explain the physical pain I have endured for years, I was recently diagnosed with two autoimmune diseases – Fibromyalgia, which causes magnified pain throughout my entire body, and Ankylosing Spondylitis, which causes unbearable back pain. These both make my life physically painful, nearly impossible to endure, and I struggle with this pain daily. After also being diagnosed with Endometriosis (a uterine and pelvic disorder), I had a Hysterectomy, and three weeks after the surgery, am still enduring a painful recovery.

Because I am a domestic violence survivor, I also struggle each day with PTSD and severe Anxiety. To deal with my emotional trauma, I have weekly mental health therapy with my psychologist, and meet monthly with my psychiatrist for my prescriptions.

Before my physical diagnoses, I put myself through school and found a job as a Medical Assistant. But because of frequent doctors’ appointments, I was let go from my job several months later.

To provide for my family, I attempted to start a work-from-home business with a church acquaintance who provided the financing for the venture.

With my numerous doctor’s appointments and recent operation, my partner took the business opportunity away from me, along with the company Honda Pilot, which he paid for in full and had given to me. This was my family’s sole source of transportation.

Because I am unable to find an employer that understands and works with my limitations, I am on my third attempt in applying for disability, and am now in the process of waiting for the appeal.

Living with my physical and mental conditions has made regular life hard enough. With the loss of the vehicle I have relied upon, day-to-day life has become next to impossible. Relying on my faith, along with the unconditional love and support of my boyfriend, I have had help with much-needed transportation – for doctors’ appointments, therapy, picking up my prescriptions, and grocery shopping to name a few things.

Anchored to my faith, I always believe the Lord provides. I have peace that He will provide a solution to my dilemma of not having a vehicle, and look at this opportunity-of-a-lifetime as one of His answers.



Every single day of our lives comes with trials, lessons, tribulations, blessings, emotions touching & intertwining with each of our senses. Some wanted. Some unwanted. Mental illness/disorders such as PTSD/C-PTSD, and many others merely intensify these experiences.

For me, faith and a higher being (The Lord) is my saving grace. My light at the end of the tunnel when deep inside, all is black. He blesses me with His unconditional love as a Father, which I have never ever had & don’t know. Feel free to read more about my journey of life not knowing who my Dad is. Leave a comment. Share your thoughts or experiences if you may 🙂

God for my kids & I, He turned what seemed like the end, into a brand new beginning for us. I was homeless. Living in the battered women’s shelter. Lost everything. Surviving the 3rd account of Domestic Violence with my youngest’s Dad, and 3rd intimate abusive relationship. Surviving suicide. Suffering from ADHD, PTSD/C-PTSD, Anxiety, Depression & BPD traits. Everyone has different beliefs. I am certainly not one to judge or shove mine down your throat. Whatever it is that keeps you going, gives you hope, allows you to have the strength to get through each moment of the days we endure & live, this happens to be mine. Hope all you surivivors, amazing souls, community of support here and afar can smile one more smile that maybe you didn’t necassarily have when you woke up this morning!

I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love . I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.- God

I am so in the mindset of a male in many ways, there are moments when I wonder if I’m crazy. Is it really possible to be this open minded? Black and white? Boxes for thoughts for lack of better explanation.

Women are sensitive and emotional creatures. Yes. I am one too no discredit to that. In my daily struggles with PTSD, Anxiety, ADHD, depression & BPD traits there is still this one place where I KNOW truth. I have made mistakes but thinking overkill in certain important people in my current life isn’t one of them.

Women have this unintentional way of taking things ao very wrong and blowing it all out of proportion. At times myself included. No buts. No excuses. It’s just reality. However, it is extremely difficult and hurtful when it feels to me like drama. I try to remember each person for who they are and have shown themselves to be. What their daily struggles are and not discount that. Give grace and patience no matter how hard at the moment.

I choose to take responsibility for my faults. Correct my wrongs. Make a mistake ONE time not over & over. But I will refuse to if it’s not true. It pushes me away but I will win the battle and not give up reminding myself I am true to my word with actions shown.

God please grant me the wisdom and patience I need as well as all others dealing with situations of their own today.

People will be just that. People. We will be just that. People.

Every last one of us has many sides, if you may, to who we are. Some good. Some bad. Some intended. Some certainly not. One thing we all have in common? We all make mistakes. What makes all the difference is how we handle those mistakes. A mistake is only a mistake when made the first time and the lesson is learned. After that it becomes a choice.

Over the last several months I have been faced with many changes (I don’t necessarily do so well with change just FYI). Through all these changes there has been good and bad. I choose to be a happy person pulling myelf out of the slump chosen to be in for 4 days. Taking time to myself to reflect on the trials and tribulations and intense levels of stress turning to silence and God was the best thing I could have done. Some people make promises they can’t keep. Others follow through. Point being it has nothing to do with you. What other people think of me is none of my business.

When we care about ourselves first, are confident in the beautiful soul we are; life comes back full term to what we lost sight of in midst of the choas around us. Working on DBT book, reading further on my PTSD and going to therapy makes a world of difference. Moments of peace and clarity are the beautifully unique moments each of us needs to recenter and get back to the healthy state we were in before all the chaos started again. I will not allow others to determine my smile, inside or out. I will NOT allow people from my past to burden my state of mind effecting life of today any further. The beauty of knowing it is all still here within me is all that matters and those people and things are not as big as God or me. 🙂

Whatever you may be battling with from day to day I hope this may bring you sunshine in the darkness and hope to the future of your brightness. It’s in there we just have to dig it back up.