Posts Tagged ‘honesty’

It’s come to the point of defeat. Life has hit ground zero and for whatever reason, I’m numb. Deactivation, seclusion, isolation is best for me. Checking out-literally from social existence. I’m praying for all those dealing with their struggles, valleys, depths of despair and moments of sunshine. Hang on to those sun shines; because they are what is going to pull us through the darkness. 

My health is struggling badly. Physically worse than mentally. I’m not looking for pity, not looking for anything honestly just need to have my one safe place, wordpress it is! No judgements no misunderstanding, no room for failure here right? Each and everyone of us bloggers especially mental health junkies, well, we get to hide behind a screen but accept and understand one another all just the same. I’ve missed blogging but haven’t been able to put my chaotic thoughts into words (obviously) for one to begin to understand so I just bottled it all up. And cut. Yeah I’m a cutter. Finally I have to admit it to myself. 

Damnit I want a mom, a dad, just one frieken person that doesn’t come conditionally. Trying to be a perfect person is exhausting especially when you know how broken physically and mentally you are. Trying to remind myself I was once really happy. Once super strong. Once not too long ago wasn’t plagued and had a chance at a future, maybe a family of my own since I certainly was robbed of that from the start. Now it’s all impossible. I’m tainted & can only thank God for my kids, and I guess the breath in my lungs. 

Tomorrow has got to be a better day. It has to be. It’s not possible to be a screw-up forever is it? Who knows maybe no longer existing socially for awhile will be cleansing. I was once told, “When you are not wanted, there is no longer need for your existence.” Choosing to love yourself through the shame and defeat is the hardest thing to do, but I refuse to die even though I may cry. Taking my life is not going to accomplish anything. 

Tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be. It just has to be. 

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Reblogged from The Conflict Analysis Blog:

P-personal and social responsibility Take control and responsibility for your actions, and work daily on personal development.

R-respect for others and self-discipline- You should have emotional stability, treat others with mutual respect, and live a healthy lifestyle.

I-integrity, ethics, & leadership- Display a high level of integrity in your life, work to improve the world around you, and develop personal leadership skills.

D-diversity and community- Engage the community, understand the cultural diversity of the population, and demonstrates the knowledge, skills, and abilities to engage with the ever-increasing world we live in.

E-expression and free exchange- Always be open to dialogue and free expression, remain open-minded, and strive to improve your critical and integrative thinking skills.”
This is an important concept to forever remind oneself of. Humility is a daily practice. I will always follow the pact to myself and God not hesitating to admit when I am at fault no matter how hard it is.

“Honesty is everything. Growth is the necessity.” – mistakenldy

The Conflict Analysis Blog

I will be the first to admit I am not perfect. I am stubborn, set in my ways, have a low tolerance for stupidity, dislike people with a lack of common sense, and liars. I try to live my life with dignity, and display a moral and ethical behavior I could look back on and feel good about when I die. However, I have let my pride get in my way of admitting when I am wrong or when I refuse to be challenged on a particular issue. How many times have you had a “discussion” with your significant other, co-worker, or boss, and you refused to give in, knowing there was a possibility you were in the wrong.

What is pride? I found a great definition from a Hofstra University student who was a key member of student engagement in and out of the classroom during their college career.

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Relationship Truth

There is always one.  One day. maybe. We all will have the chance again. 

Living with mental illness, surviving all the traumas. Odds seems so much less, everything in my world shattered. All because of me. Trying to see the light. The positivity. Grateful for the good, because there is. So much to smile about. 

Day by day, moment after moment. Praying. Doing the right thing. Solitude. Silence. Focus and growing while enduring the pain with a smile. Learning from each mistake made. Each experience, whether good or bad. Trying with all the might I have,  to be a better person. So this never happens again. Recover. Learn again. Push the pain away. Will it ever end?

Anxiety Girl

Ocassionaly this is me. So accurately. Praying hard for no more than God’s grace & mercy. Deep breath. No less, it shall all pass.”-mistakenldy

PTSD fact

Here explains having no words.

Trauma Tree

“I have no words.” the first thing I said. Why? Because I literally couldn’t find the right ones in my head to begin to explain my thoughts and feelings. Silence is sometimes the most calming & effective thing for people like me. I have severe PTSD, anxiety AND ADHD. Click on the link to read more about this. Ha! IMG_2158Sucks but it is what is; reality as a part of life for me.

Today is my Mother’s birthday. Maybe my boyfriend’s question is right, “are you having a hard time w/ that today?” I said, “no.” But maybe he’s right now that I think about it. Maybe not.

“What is wrong?” he asks. My answer, “I don’t like it when my intelligence is insulted.” There’s a few reasons i feel like that. I’ve been lied to, manipulated, mentally spun in circles as though my mental strength was a science experiment.

Am I right? Ever? Ehhh, sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong. I am fearful each time this situation comes up; my mind spinning, emotions wherever (not always in one specific place) they can be classified as. What if I just spit shit out & it’s not the right words? What if I am just processing flashback emotions and it will pass? What if I am not realizing exactly what symptoms happening right now? How is the person going to react? Am I going to hurt them w/ my inability to express who, what, when, why, & how verbally? Are they going to take it right? Are they going to understand? Are they going to care even for a moment about who I am & what I deal with inside? Am I going to just get pushed away? In my world the answer to the very last questions is the ONLY result I see. “NO.”

That being said, I stay quiet. Try to process it & let the shit storm pass. Get through it & accept that this is life for me. Period. No one gives a damn & it’s just better in solitude. They always say they do & will be there not pushing me away saying they get it or atleast try to but each time once they know they have me & my soul, it isnt the same & that is all gone. And yes, “i’ll be embarrassed when I’m wrong.” I always feel like I’m a freak or stupid or off and just am screwed up so it is too hard for anyone to give me unconditional love I give.

Or who knows maybe it’s that I don’t know what that means at all. How could I right? The very person. The very one being that I came out of. She didn’t give me unconditional love. Everything & everyone comes with terms & conditions. While I do my very best to offer that to the ones I choose to hold dear in my heart & soul; I may never know what it’s like myself.

Other than God. He has that for me. That I have security in.
Clearly, I have a lot more learning to do.

Every single day of our lives comes with trials, lessons, tribulations, blessings, emotions touching & intertwining with each of our senses. Some wanted. Some unwanted. Mental illness/disorders such as PTSD/C-PTSD, and many others merely intensify these experiences.

For me, faith and a higher being (The Lord) is my saving grace. My light at the end of the tunnel when deep inside, all is black. He blesses me with His unconditional love as a Father, which I have never ever had & don’t know. Feel free to read more about my journey of life not knowing who my Dad is. Leave a comment. Share your thoughts or experiences if you may 🙂

God for my kids & I, He turned what seemed like the end, into a brand new beginning for us. I was homeless. Living in the battered women’s shelter. Lost everything. Surviving the 3rd account of Domestic Violence with my youngest’s Dad, and 3rd intimate abusive relationship. Surviving suicide. Suffering from ADHD, PTSD/C-PTSD, Anxiety, Depression & BPD traits. Everyone has different beliefs. I am certainly not one to judge or shove mine down your throat. Whatever it is that keeps you going, gives you hope, allows you to have the strength to get through each moment of the days we endure & live, this happens to be mine. Hope all you surivivors, amazing souls, community of support here and afar can smile one more smile that maybe you didn’t necassarily have when you woke up this morning!

I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love . I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.- God

Some people collect rare coins, or stamps, or ancient antiques.

Some fill their homes with exquisite jewels and vintage vinyl records; hearts swelling with pride as their trophies stagnate among swirling dust motes and the echo of past accolades.

Me, I’m a little different. I collect something infinitely more precious than anything I can buy or trade. I treasure soul mates.

I won’t love you immediately, I’m sorry. Sometimes I wish that I could, but I’m just not made that way. Some of you will never make it through the barriers of my heart. You won’t notice of course; you can’t miss what you have never had, and I don’t fancy myself so very important to your day-to-day life anyway.

I am a little magpie, whose eye is caught by the sparkle of certain souls. You will see me tilt my head to the side, looking at you, smiling through wry lips as I allow myself to see you. And once I do love you, I will move heaven and earth to adore you, no matter what, for as long as you allow me to.

You will never know a love like it.

I will keep you safely in my pocket and protect you fiercely. I will accept all of you: the light and the darkness. If I feel something beautiful in you, I will long to keep you forever. This is a double-edged sword, of course. “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” I’m the first to admit that I’m not very good at letting go of my treasured ones when the time comes, even when it is best for us both. Even though I understand that not everyone we meet is destined to be in our lives forever.

Logically, I understand. Emotionally, it hurts like hell.

Grief will render me senseless.

I will weep, and yell and, sometimes, I will behave badly. Forgive me please. Pain will do that to a person. It means that you have had such an impact on my life that I struggle to imagine what shape I will take without you. It means that I do not want to live in a world where we don’t talk everyday, and where your smile doesn’t light up my life on a regular basis.

It means that I don’t feel ready to say goodbye, even though it might be time.

Maybe you came to me because I was struggling, as angels often do, to share the heavy load that weighed on my heart. You wiped my tears away, softly soothed back my hair and let me know that everything would be okay, someday.

Perhaps you came to teach me about myself, about who I really am. To show me how to be strong, how to embrace the natural beauty of our world, and how to use it to inspire my creations. You gave me a piece of yourself to forever reflect within me and I truly love you for that.

I believe that I brought something to your life too; that we changed each other in ways that can never be undone, leaving footprints on each other’s soul to cherish. Yet, it appears we have taught each other all that we can for the moment.

We have shared our last sunset together and our laughter is a memory that resonates fondly in my heart.

This doesn’t mean we don’t love each other anymore, far from it. In fact, we love each other enough to want the other to continue their journey onwards through life, to new adventures and growth, and new soul mates with different lessons—knowing that they can always reach out to us with trembling hands in turbulent times.

Every time we let go, we make space for new and beautiful things to enter our lives. One door closes, and another is waiting to show us to fresh marvels, if we are brave enough to open it.

I am learning to hold on with gratitude to all that I learn from my soul mates, to cherish the time that we shared and to let them go if the time is right, without regret. I realize now that we must love with abandon, giving our hearts fully and freely, even knowing that one day it might hurt us badly.

The fact that love is not guaranteed forever makes it all the more precious.

Let’s treasure that.

JoJo Rawden

Reblogging this perfect quote that touched my soul & deep in my heart at the very moment I needed to read it most. Hope this touches any one that needs it too. X

tellingheavysecrets

Today’s chosen quote is one from my favourite Sufi poet. His words give me comfort on many a day. They soothe the places deep inside that hurt.

the wound

This is a profound quote which for me means that the places I am most wounded contain also the seeds of my liberation.

They are a way back to myself! We have to face our past and the demons that we have within us, in whatever shape or form they are. Once we have the courage to decide to do this, we become liberated from all the shame and the pull of the past and are able to allow the light in.

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Happy Father’s Day to all the people who step up to the plate and make a difference in every child’s life they touch & try for.

I haven’t posted in for awhile. I’ve been busy working on myself, school, of course my kiddos, and my relationship. I’ve been focused on recovery and coping through the ups and downs of my mental illnesses. I’ve also been hit with a lot of death lately.

All that being said, I am posting to get through the moment of severe roughness today. I buried a friend (loss) a few weeks ago who was a good father to his children. I am spreading the ashes of an old school mate (7th) grade on Saturday coming up. It’s hard. It hurts. It’s life.

Today is another day that many people celebrate their dad’s. Father’s. Stepdads. Father figures. I however, don’t have one of those. Whoever he is that helped create me with my birth mother, I don’t know him. It’s like this gaping hole in my soul unable to be filled except when I push it away remembering God is my Father. He is what made me possible. I don’t have memories to look back on, hugs, kisses, advice and tender or even harsh moments to look back on. No man to thank for making me the person I am today. I’m rambling I’m sure. It’s so difficult to put into words, the pain my soul feels for lack of all those things I just mentioned as well as feeling this odd sorrow that I can’t even look back on a memory of spankings. Being fussed at, scolded, or told he is dissapointed in me.

My birth mother refuses to tell me the truth. If she knows or doesn’t know who he is. When I was born, no one knew she was pregnant. No one knew because she was an addict. Abused alcohol and drugs. Was very overweight & I ended up being delivered at home in the bathroom by my Grandfather. The ambulance was called to come help after he delivered me and I was taken to the nearest hospital, placed in the NICU, went through DT’s for several days. My birth mother only came to see me once the entire 2 weeks I was there. No one knew how premature I was. No one knew what was going to happen & NO ONE but her knows if the man that helped make me knows if I even exist.

Working through the pain. Working through the confusion, wave of emotions that flow up and down back and forth on this day has become easier over the years. Yet, it is still there. I want to have a Dad. I want to know who he is. I want to know if he knows I’m here. Wondering about him. Does he have the same hair, eyes, character, features, health issues I have? Do I have siblings? Would I have the other side of me as a family that I’ve always lacked with my birth mother’s side of the family. We have always been astranged or on and off throughout my entire life. A very lonely monster lurking around the corner having to be bottled up, shoved back into it’s box, refocusing every moment on the positives being grateful for what I do have.

Does he have other grandchildren? Is he an ass or a good man. My kids’ dads are difficult and inconsistant. But they get all the right in the world to do whatever they want whenever however. Atleast for their sake, regardless of what I think of them as men, the kids have an opportunity to make up their own minds about who their dad is. Their dad gets the choice to be a part of them or not. I have never even had that choice. It sucks to say the least.

Maybe one day. One day, God will bring that moment around for me to know who the other half of me is. Introduce my children to their Grandfather. The other part of their heritage. Maybe one day I can look a man in the face and say, “Dad”.

Until then, I will be fulfilled with what and who I DO have in our lives thanking the Lord for blessing me with the opportunity to live and grow. Thanking Him for my boyfriend, whom I watch fight the hard fight to be a part of his beautiful daughter’s life. Striving to be a better man day after day, wanting nothing more than her to KNOW he is consistant with his Love as her Daddy, never giving up. That is exactly what I want for my babies and one day for myself from the other half who created me.

personn i