Posts Tagged ‘failure’

Everything literally everything is whirl winding and plummeting to the bottom. Now today new diagnosis. Oh no not mental. Physical. Horrid. Awful. Painful. Disgusting. It’s been one slam and punch after another week after week. How is it possible to be in such an amazing place one minute with oneself and others then complete opposite the next? 

Please please excuse the tangent for a moment I am just at the point of defeat God I hate to admit it but it’s true. Defeat. I came from nothing and for soooo very long had such ambition and drive to overcome the pain & hurt the horrid blackness surrounding my existence from the moment I came into this world. Blow after blow. Emotional abuse, neglect, physical abuse, depression, anxiety, social inability to function, then came the sexual abuse and more physical abuse. 

The night terrors are ripping my soul to shreds regularly nowadays. Finally I accomplished something never in a lifetime did I think I could do living with a learning disability but wow hey I did it. And for what? To be fired. Because I’m not the perfect person. I have PTSD, anxiety, ADHD. Because I tried to kill myself wanting nothing more than to end the constant internal chaos. Because I’m a domestic violence survivor, been raped, oh yeah I’m just the crazy chick. Yup the weird one who pushes everyone away because I’m SO afraid every time I give, I’ll get thrown down. When life changes I sometimes just don’t know how to cope causing everyone to run as far away as possible. God it’s the loneliest existence but maybe it’s best. 

I tried so hard to be this model Mom and balance it all. Get a degree and show them I could do it so these little people they could look up to me. What the hell happened? 

Everything I knew and was shooting for is in pieces over the last several months. Ever since I finished school & started working. Failure. Sheer failure is what I see. I just wasn’t enough. My relationships are struggling. My boyfriend is exasperated with my constant ups and downs. It’s just too much. My friends feel abandoned. Why is it just never ever enough. My abuser (daughters father) lingering around every time I look up he’s just there. Lingering. Like it’s ok. It’s funny to him or something. While I’m soooooo happy for our daughter that he’s better with her his constant presence around ME well, it’s killing me and bringing me back to all the toxic emotional abuse and physical beatings that I endured regularly. 

Open mindedness and being able to accept corrective critisism helped me become a better mother. While I am thankful the damage was already done for others on the outside and pushed them away because I was inpatient with her and myself. God says give yourself grace. I thought I knew what grace was and how to apply that and I’m clearly failing at that lately too. Learning I had something a few months ago I’ll never get rid of even though I was careful & trusted crushed me then I got over it and just accepted. Working so hard to keep a job and be a successful professional just to be judged and discrimated against ultimately ending up right back where I started. Crushing? The word cannot begin to explain. 

Nausea, back pain, vomiting, nightmares, anxiety, cold sweats, cutting, suicidal thoughts, then pulling myself out for only a short time until the spiral begins all over again. How the hell is a way to live? 

All I want to do every day is pull the covers back over my head and make it all go away. Sleep until it’s gone. Recluse so my stupid outbursts won’t hurt or matter to anyone and can do no harm. It’s too much for everyone myself included. I can’t talk to my dad. I don’t effn have one. I can’t talk to my mom, the version of one I’m supposed to have hasn’t spoken to me since my birthday. My trio is broken with their own stress and battles. All I want to do is fall into the man I gave my heart to arms and rest, hear his calming voice tell me it’s gonna be ok, brushing my hair and being tender like he is. But I keep screwing that up too. 

Struggling to stay in therapy and take my meds regularly like I know I’m supposed to but that make me sick day after day. Fighting for morals and my dignity professionally. Trying my damndest to be the best mom I can and become a better one. It’s exhausting and is so damn hard! All I’ve ever wanted and keep striving for is normalcy. Wanting nothing more than for things to get back to what they used to be but with the positive progressions not regression. All I’m doing is failing miserably. 

PTSD fact

Here explains having no words.

Trauma Tree

IMG_2968.PNG

“Before I got here, I thought for a long time that the way out of the labyrinth was to pretend that it did not exist, to build a small, self-sufficient world in the back corner of the endless maze and to pretend that I was not lost, but home.”  -John Green

Days it’s been; unable to find words for my thoughts. Today a bit harder than the rest. Prayer is it. All that I have. Why? I don’t know. Waiting for the storm to pass. It has to. Moments in the depth of defeat feeling like my feet, then legs, risen to my waist in the quicksand. Some days better than others but the strength is wearing thin. God can do this. He will get back in, making the weight lift from within. I can do this. I’m strong. I will defeat the dark. My soul to rise once again.

“I have no words.” the first thing I said. Why? Because I literally couldn’t find the right ones in my head to begin to explain my thoughts and feelings. Silence is sometimes the most calming & effective thing for people like me. I have severe PTSD, anxiety AND ADHD. Click on the link to read more about this. Ha! IMG_2158Sucks but it is what is; reality as a part of life for me.

Today is my Mother’s birthday. Maybe my boyfriend’s question is right, “are you having a hard time w/ that today?” I said, “no.” But maybe he’s right now that I think about it. Maybe not.

“What is wrong?” he asks. My answer, “I don’t like it when my intelligence is insulted.” There’s a few reasons i feel like that. I’ve been lied to, manipulated, mentally spun in circles as though my mental strength was a science experiment.

Am I right? Ever? Ehhh, sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong. I am fearful each time this situation comes up; my mind spinning, emotions wherever (not always in one specific place) they can be classified as. What if I just spit shit out & it’s not the right words? What if I am just processing flashback emotions and it will pass? What if I am not realizing exactly what symptoms happening right now? How is the person going to react? Am I going to hurt them w/ my inability to express who, what, when, why, & how verbally? Are they going to take it right? Are they going to understand? Are they going to care even for a moment about who I am & what I deal with inside? Am I going to just get pushed away? In my world the answer to the very last questions is the ONLY result I see. “NO.”

That being said, I stay quiet. Try to process it & let the shit storm pass. Get through it & accept that this is life for me. Period. No one gives a damn & it’s just better in solitude. They always say they do & will be there not pushing me away saying they get it or atleast try to but each time once they know they have me & my soul, it isnt the same & that is all gone. And yes, “i’ll be embarrassed when I’m wrong.” I always feel like I’m a freak or stupid or off and just am screwed up so it is too hard for anyone to give me unconditional love I give.

Or who knows maybe it’s that I don’t know what that means at all. How could I right? The very person. The very one being that I came out of. She didn’t give me unconditional love. Everything & everyone comes with terms & conditions. While I do my very best to offer that to the ones I choose to hold dear in my heart & soul; I may never know what it’s like myself.

Other than God. He has that for me. That I have security in.
Clearly, I have a lot more learning to do.

http://youtu.be/6KS-1qYZLRM?list=PLDYlwid6-JAKYHIMkIITVCemYtSXPmrezDepression and Dissociation
Been drinking for 4days. Know I shouldnt be. Doesnt make any difference. Alone is all I see.

http://youtu.be/LSolalT2S-U

False hope is hopelessness in and of itself. Same result regardless of effort. 

http://youtu.be/3cOKjeVjSHk

Never good enough.

http://youtu.be/KN9Do5vyJ2I

NO ONE EVER STAYS. FAILURE. HOPELESSNESS

http://youtu.be/raQHby4lDX8

Most definitely reblogging! originally on “of life she writes.” So much has happened in the last few weeks on my life that I have no place to begin thinking what takes precedence over the other. Several court dates, surgery, trying to catch up with my kiddos and my own school work(med school), church, finals this week, my son’s 13th bday, and now bed ridden. cant drive. infection in my knee that is making me feel hopeless and useless. Thanks for posting such true words of black and white reality.

Of life she writes.

I’ve come to the realization that I have to make my own sunshine.

Okay, I read that on the sidewalk in front of a school, written by chalk.

I’m not that creative 😛

Anyway, life sucks sometimes.

Life’s great sometimes.

Truth is, I’m just trying to make it great all the time.

I’m not trying to be unhappy on purpose or do things to make my life worse.

Shit happens.

Things need to be said.

Things need to be done.

Life has to happen.

It’s the way of the world and I’m just one in a million trying to do me as everyone else is trying to do them.

I think we all have our priorities, we all have our way of life.

The way we think something has to get done.

And It’s completely natural for your way to be different than mine as long as you’re doing What…

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