Archive for the ‘Loss’ Category

Wishing I didn’t feel anything at all. Not to be confused. Not to have my heart breaking. Not to feel anxiety. It would just be so much easier. 

The urge to cut is strong but I am stronger. With the help of a confidant and friend in the Lord it is a bit more bearable. I just feel so “EMPTY”. 

Unwanted, unloved and lost. All that I knew and grew to open up and love too is no longer it seems. Its all just “EMPTY”. 


It’s come to the point of defeat. Life has hit ground zero and for whatever reason, I’m numb. Deactivation, seclusion, isolation is best for me. Checking out-literally from social existence. I’m praying for all those dealing with their struggles, valleys, depths of despair and moments of sunshine. Hang on to those sun shines; because they are what is going to pull us through the darkness. 

My health is struggling badly. Physically worse than mentally. I’m not looking for pity, not looking for anything honestly just need to have my one safe place, wordpress it is! No judgements no misunderstanding, no room for failure here right? Each and everyone of us bloggers especially mental health junkies, well, we get to hide behind a screen but accept and understand one another all just the same. I’ve missed blogging but haven’t been able to put my chaotic thoughts into words (obviously) for one to begin to understand so I just bottled it all up. And cut. Yeah I’m a cutter. Finally I have to admit it to myself. 

Damnit I want a mom, a dad, just one frieken person that doesn’t come conditionally. Trying to be a perfect person is exhausting especially when you know how broken physically and mentally you are. Trying to remind myself I was once really happy. Once super strong. Once not too long ago wasn’t plagued and had a chance at a future, maybe a family of my own since I certainly was robbed of that from the start. Now it’s all impossible. I’m tainted & can only thank God for my kids, and I guess the breath in my lungs. 

Tomorrow has got to be a better day. It has to be. It’s not possible to be a screw-up forever is it? Who knows maybe no longer existing socially for awhile will be cleansing. I was once told, “When you are not wanted, there is no longer need for your existence.” Choosing to love yourself through the shame and defeat is the hardest thing to do, but I refuse to die even though I may cry. Taking my life is not going to accomplish anything. 

Tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be. It just has to be. 

  
“Love” is a strong word. It’s easy when it’s real. Genuine. Honest. It’s OBVIOUS, not confusing. Trust. Transparency. 

Not the opposite. 

Everything literally everything is whirl winding and plummeting to the bottom. Now today new diagnosis. Oh no not mental. Physical. Horrid. Awful. Painful. Disgusting. It’s been one slam and punch after another week after week. How is it possible to be in such an amazing place one minute with oneself and others then complete opposite the next? 

Please please excuse the tangent for a moment I am just at the point of defeat God I hate to admit it but it’s true. Defeat. I came from nothing and for soooo very long had such ambition and drive to overcome the pain & hurt the horrid blackness surrounding my existence from the moment I came into this world. Blow after blow. Emotional abuse, neglect, physical abuse, depression, anxiety, social inability to function, then came the sexual abuse and more physical abuse. 

The night terrors are ripping my soul to shreds regularly nowadays. Finally I accomplished something never in a lifetime did I think I could do living with a learning disability but wow hey I did it. And for what? To be fired. Because I’m not the perfect person. I have PTSD, anxiety, ADHD. Because I tried to kill myself wanting nothing more than to end the constant internal chaos. Because I’m a domestic violence survivor, been raped, oh yeah I’m just the crazy chick. Yup the weird one who pushes everyone away because I’m SO afraid every time I give, I’ll get thrown down. When life changes I sometimes just don’t know how to cope causing everyone to run as far away as possible. God it’s the loneliest existence but maybe it’s best. 

I tried so hard to be this model Mom and balance it all. Get a degree and show them I could do it so these little people they could look up to me. What the hell happened? 

Everything I knew and was shooting for is in pieces over the last several months. Ever since I finished school & started working. Failure. Sheer failure is what I see. I just wasn’t enough. My relationships are struggling. My boyfriend is exasperated with my constant ups and downs. It’s just too much. My friends feel abandoned. Why is it just never ever enough. My abuser (daughters father) lingering around every time I look up he’s just there. Lingering. Like it’s ok. It’s funny to him or something. While I’m soooooo happy for our daughter that he’s better with her his constant presence around ME well, it’s killing me and bringing me back to all the toxic emotional abuse and physical beatings that I endured regularly. 

Open mindedness and being able to accept corrective critisism helped me become a better mother. While I am thankful the damage was already done for others on the outside and pushed them away because I was inpatient with her and myself. God says give yourself grace. I thought I knew what grace was and how to apply that and I’m clearly failing at that lately too. Learning I had something a few months ago I’ll never get rid of even though I was careful & trusted crushed me then I got over it and just accepted. Working so hard to keep a job and be a successful professional just to be judged and discrimated against ultimately ending up right back where I started. Crushing? The word cannot begin to explain. 

Nausea, back pain, vomiting, nightmares, anxiety, cold sweats, cutting, suicidal thoughts, then pulling myself out for only a short time until the spiral begins all over again. How the hell is a way to live? 

All I want to do every day is pull the covers back over my head and make it all go away. Sleep until it’s gone. Recluse so my stupid outbursts won’t hurt or matter to anyone and can do no harm. It’s too much for everyone myself included. I can’t talk to my dad. I don’t effn have one. I can’t talk to my mom, the version of one I’m supposed to have hasn’t spoken to me since my birthday. My trio is broken with their own stress and battles. All I want to do is fall into the man I gave my heart to arms and rest, hear his calming voice tell me it’s gonna be ok, brushing my hair and being tender like he is. But I keep screwing that up too. 

Struggling to stay in therapy and take my meds regularly like I know I’m supposed to but that make me sick day after day. Fighting for morals and my dignity professionally. Trying my damndest to be the best mom I can and become a better one. It’s exhausting and is so damn hard! All I’ve ever wanted and keep striving for is normalcy. Wanting nothing more than for things to get back to what they used to be but with the positive progressions not regression. All I’m doing is failing miserably. 

Stay put don’t cut. Stay put don’t drink.

Don’t drive or wreck. 

Just be still & let it pass. 

Write it out…….I hate myself. Ruin the good creating unnecessary hurt. No therapy for going on almost 3months? Maybe. Yeah so I tried as much as I could. They said no. 

honest. Calm. Quiet. Genuinely tried. Failure. 

Wanting to cut. Hard. Harder than the last. Embarrassed. Ashamed. What happened to my strength? 

Stupid. “Insane.” Will never be good enough again. This is it, Me. 

The alcohol will make it numb. Not worth the risk. Wait is it. Maybe for the moment if it makes the turmoil and shitstorm go away that I create around me. 

Kids gone. I’m lost. He’s mad. AGAIN. I’m fault. 

Stay away. They will all be happy. 

That slit again. Against the skin. It is the freedom I live in. Hide it well. Don’t give in. They won’t know. Stay far away again. No hurt, no harm done. You all can smile. I’m out of your sun. 

  

“Tears.They just won’t fall. Silence it is. Silence is all. The guilt. The pain. Words can’t begin to explain. ” 

Forcing myself to run through the monotonous motions of the days.