Archive for the ‘lies’ Category

Someone who lies with a smile and a smooth voice is a liar just the same.

https://anewperspectiveperhaps.wordpress.com/2016/03/02/deception/
Sometimes. Sometimes. There is a wolf among the pack with an entire plan we are all so naive to. The history of destruction. The cycles of separation, confusion, tearing all good apart creating bad. God is the only light. So we all may know there must be a blessing coming from all the deception. He always has a plan. Thank you God Almighty for placing me right where you wanted & needed me to be, to see it all. Half of the fight, sometimes more than half for some, we fight  with Mental Health/Illness is the perspectives & perceptions inside our heads or the ones we innocently allow as good souls to be placed there. Thankful today for the guidance, wisdom, and patience He is giving me. 

My safe place is honesty. My safe place is right here. 

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It’s come to the point of defeat. Life has hit ground zero and for whatever reason, I’m numb. Deactivation, seclusion, isolation is best for me. Checking out-literally from social existence. I’m praying for all those dealing with their struggles, valleys, depths of despair and moments of sunshine. Hang on to those sun shines; because they are what is going to pull us through the darkness. 

My health is struggling badly. Physically worse than mentally. I’m not looking for pity, not looking for anything honestly just need to have my one safe place, wordpress it is! No judgements no misunderstanding, no room for failure here right? Each and everyone of us bloggers especially mental health junkies, well, we get to hide behind a screen but accept and understand one another all just the same. I’ve missed blogging but haven’t been able to put my chaotic thoughts into words (obviously) for one to begin to understand so I just bottled it all up. And cut. Yeah I’m a cutter. Finally I have to admit it to myself. 

Damnit I want a mom, a dad, just one frieken person that doesn’t come conditionally. Trying to be a perfect person is exhausting especially when you know how broken physically and mentally you are. Trying to remind myself I was once really happy. Once super strong. Once not too long ago wasn’t plagued and had a chance at a future, maybe a family of my own since I certainly was robbed of that from the start. Now it’s all impossible. I’m tainted & can only thank God for my kids, and I guess the breath in my lungs. 

Tomorrow has got to be a better day. It has to be. It’s not possible to be a screw-up forever is it? Who knows maybe no longer existing socially for awhile will be cleansing. I was once told, “When you are not wanted, there is no longer need for your existence.” Choosing to love yourself through the shame and defeat is the hardest thing to do, but I refuse to die even though I may cry. Taking my life is not going to accomplish anything. 

Tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be. It just has to be. 

  
“Love” is a strong word. It’s easy when it’s real. Genuine. Honest. It’s OBVIOUS, not confusing. Trust. Transparency. 

Not the opposite. 

  

“I have no words.” the first thing I said. Why? Because I literally couldn’t find the right ones in my head to begin to explain my thoughts and feelings. Silence is sometimes the most calming & effective thing for people like me. I have severe PTSD, anxiety AND ADHD. Click on the link to read more about this. Ha! IMG_2158Sucks but it is what is; reality as a part of life for me.

Today is my Mother’s birthday. Maybe my boyfriend’s question is right, “are you having a hard time w/ that today?” I said, “no.” But maybe he’s right now that I think about it. Maybe not.

“What is wrong?” he asks. My answer, “I don’t like it when my intelligence is insulted.” There’s a few reasons i feel like that. I’ve been lied to, manipulated, mentally spun in circles as though my mental strength was a science experiment.

Am I right? Ever? Ehhh, sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong. I am fearful each time this situation comes up; my mind spinning, emotions wherever (not always in one specific place) they can be classified as. What if I just spit shit out & it’s not the right words? What if I am just processing flashback emotions and it will pass? What if I am not realizing exactly what symptoms happening right now? How is the person going to react? Am I going to hurt them w/ my inability to express who, what, when, why, & how verbally? Are they going to take it right? Are they going to understand? Are they going to care even for a moment about who I am & what I deal with inside? Am I going to just get pushed away? In my world the answer to the very last questions is the ONLY result I see. “NO.”

That being said, I stay quiet. Try to process it & let the shit storm pass. Get through it & accept that this is life for me. Period. No one gives a damn & it’s just better in solitude. They always say they do & will be there not pushing me away saying they get it or atleast try to but each time once they know they have me & my soul, it isnt the same & that is all gone. And yes, “i’ll be embarrassed when I’m wrong.” I always feel like I’m a freak or stupid or off and just am screwed up so it is too hard for anyone to give me unconditional love I give.

Or who knows maybe it’s that I don’t know what that means at all. How could I right? The very person. The very one being that I came out of. She didn’t give me unconditional love. Everything & everyone comes with terms & conditions. While I do my very best to offer that to the ones I choose to hold dear in my heart & soul; I may never know what it’s like myself.

Other than God. He has that for me. That I have security in.
Clearly, I have a lot more learning to do.

There comes a time when the only way to make the change drastically needed…..eliminate yourself from the equations. 

  
Enough said. 

Reblogged from The Abuse Expose’ with Angel Secret. Truth in raw form. Great read.

The Abuse Expose' with Secret Angel

This message is just a reminder that none of us are perfect and should not criticize or judge others… for that in itself is a sin. Think about it…

Sin…
it’s something we all do.
For we are not perfect…
and definitely not God too.

But God made provision…
by sending His Son…
to overcome as a Man…
for He is the Righteous One.

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Moments to remind ourselves when we are low. “She” can be replaced with “He” for all you guys too

http://youtu.be/LSolalT2S-U

False hope is hopelessness in and of itself. Same result regardless of effort.