Archive for the ‘Domestic Violence’ Category

This is so hard to post, contrary to general belief. I have never had to reach out to others and community for help like this. I am still in shock that life is at the point it has come to. Literally takes everything in me day to day not to throw my hands up in the air and just keep my faith grounded. I know we have to trust in the Lord and let Him handle the things we can not control on our own. To all who can relate and are dealing with the same conditions and/or illnesses; please KNOW you are not alone ever. There is always someone near you would have never imagined is in the amount of excruciating pain and suffering just because we look ok on the outside. Just getting out of bed in the morning and getting back into it at night is a struggle.

I have recently been diagnosed with two autoimmune disorders; Fibromyalgia and Ankylosing Spondylitis. Both of which I have been suffering from for years. I was misdiagnosed and treated for chronic pain (non-narcotic). Lupus runs in my family, the little bit I have learned from the only person I am very close to, my beautiful Grandmother. This is the very first time I am stepping out of my comfort zone and posting as personal as I am. Names, my children and I’s picture. It’s a scary step and attempt but bravery is the choice I have at this point. Thank you to all who take the time to read through this post.

picture of people sitting

Me & My Kids

Hi!

Thank you for taking your time to read My Story & for Sharing it on social media, Liking, and for your support..


My Story

Hello. I am a single mother of three children (one of whom I adopted), and am in dire need of a personal vehicle. Here is a brief account of my circumstances:

After rounds of hopeless tests to explain the physical pain I have endured for years, I was recently diagnosed with two autoimmune diseases – Fibromyalgia, which causes magnified pain throughout my entire body, and Ankylosing Spondylitis, which causes unbearable back pain. These both make my life physically painful, nearly impossible to endure, and I struggle with this pain daily. After also being diagnosed with Endometriosis (a uterine and pelvic disorder), I had a Hysterectomy, and three weeks after the surgery, am still enduring a painful recovery.

Because I am a domestic violence survivor, I also struggle each day with PTSD and severe Anxiety. To deal with my emotional trauma, I have weekly mental health therapy with my psychologist, and meet monthly with my psychiatrist for my prescriptions.

Before my physical diagnoses, I put myself through school and found a job as a Medical Assistant. But because of frequent doctors’ appointments, I was let go from my job several months later.

To provide for my family, I attempted to start a work-from-home business with a church acquaintance who provided the financing for the venture.

With my numerous doctor’s appointments and recent operation, my partner took the business opportunity away from me, along with the company Honda Pilot, which he paid for in full and had given to me. This was my family’s sole source of transportation.

Because I am unable to find an employer that understands and works with my limitations, I am on my third attempt in applying for disability, and am now in the process of waiting for the appeal.

Living with my physical and mental conditions has made regular life hard enough. With the loss of the vehicle I have relied upon, day-to-day life has become next to impossible. Relying on my faith, along with the unconditional love and support of my boyfriend, I have had help with much-needed transportation – for doctors’ appointments, therapy, picking up my prescriptions, and grocery shopping to name a few things.

Anchored to my faith, I always believe the Lord provides. I have peace that He will provide a solution to my dilemma of not having a vehicle, and look at this opportunity-of-a-lifetime as one of His answers.

https://www.gofundme.com/wright-4auto

Advertisements

Everything literally everything is whirl winding and plummeting to the bottom. Now today new diagnosis. Oh no not mental. Physical. Horrid. Awful. Painful. Disgusting. It’s been one slam and punch after another week after week. How is it possible to be in such an amazing place one minute with oneself and others then complete opposite the next? 

Please please excuse the tangent for a moment I am just at the point of defeat God I hate to admit it but it’s true. Defeat. I came from nothing and for soooo very long had such ambition and drive to overcome the pain & hurt the horrid blackness surrounding my existence from the moment I came into this world. Blow after blow. Emotional abuse, neglect, physical abuse, depression, anxiety, social inability to function, then came the sexual abuse and more physical abuse. 

The night terrors are ripping my soul to shreds regularly nowadays. Finally I accomplished something never in a lifetime did I think I could do living with a learning disability but wow hey I did it. And for what? To be fired. Because I’m not the perfect person. I have PTSD, anxiety, ADHD. Because I tried to kill myself wanting nothing more than to end the constant internal chaos. Because I’m a domestic violence survivor, been raped, oh yeah I’m just the crazy chick. Yup the weird one who pushes everyone away because I’m SO afraid every time I give, I’ll get thrown down. When life changes I sometimes just don’t know how to cope causing everyone to run as far away as possible. God it’s the loneliest existence but maybe it’s best. 

I tried so hard to be this model Mom and balance it all. Get a degree and show them I could do it so these little people they could look up to me. What the hell happened? 

Everything I knew and was shooting for is in pieces over the last several months. Ever since I finished school & started working. Failure. Sheer failure is what I see. I just wasn’t enough. My relationships are struggling. My boyfriend is exasperated with my constant ups and downs. It’s just too much. My friends feel abandoned. Why is it just never ever enough. My abuser (daughters father) lingering around every time I look up he’s just there. Lingering. Like it’s ok. It’s funny to him or something. While I’m soooooo happy for our daughter that he’s better with her his constant presence around ME well, it’s killing me and bringing me back to all the toxic emotional abuse and physical beatings that I endured regularly. 

Open mindedness and being able to accept corrective critisism helped me become a better mother. While I am thankful the damage was already done for others on the outside and pushed them away because I was inpatient with her and myself. God says give yourself grace. I thought I knew what grace was and how to apply that and I’m clearly failing at that lately too. Learning I had something a few months ago I’ll never get rid of even though I was careful & trusted crushed me then I got over it and just accepted. Working so hard to keep a job and be a successful professional just to be judged and discrimated against ultimately ending up right back where I started. Crushing? The word cannot begin to explain. 

Nausea, back pain, vomiting, nightmares, anxiety, cold sweats, cutting, suicidal thoughts, then pulling myself out for only a short time until the spiral begins all over again. How the hell is a way to live? 

All I want to do every day is pull the covers back over my head and make it all go away. Sleep until it’s gone. Recluse so my stupid outbursts won’t hurt or matter to anyone and can do no harm. It’s too much for everyone myself included. I can’t talk to my dad. I don’t effn have one. I can’t talk to my mom, the version of one I’m supposed to have hasn’t spoken to me since my birthday. My trio is broken with their own stress and battles. All I want to do is fall into the man I gave my heart to arms and rest, hear his calming voice tell me it’s gonna be ok, brushing my hair and being tender like he is. But I keep screwing that up too. 

Struggling to stay in therapy and take my meds regularly like I know I’m supposed to but that make me sick day after day. Fighting for morals and my dignity professionally. Trying my damndest to be the best mom I can and become a better one. It’s exhausting and is so damn hard! All I’ve ever wanted and keep striving for is normalcy. Wanting nothing more than for things to get back to what they used to be but with the positive progressions not regression. All I’m doing is failing miserably. 

Stay put don’t cut. Stay put don’t drink.

Don’t drive or wreck. 

Just be still & let it pass. 

Write it out…….I hate myself. Ruin the good creating unnecessary hurt. No therapy for going on almost 3months? Maybe. Yeah so I tried as much as I could. They said no. 

honest. Calm. Quiet. Genuinely tried. Failure. 

Wanting to cut. Hard. Harder than the last. Embarrassed. Ashamed. What happened to my strength? 

Stupid. “Insane.” Will never be good enough again. This is it, Me. 

The alcohol will make it numb. Not worth the risk. Wait is it. Maybe for the moment if it makes the turmoil and shitstorm go away that I create around me. 

Kids gone. I’m lost. He’s mad. AGAIN. I’m fault. 

Stay away. They will all be happy. 

That slit again. Against the skin. It is the freedom I live in. Hide it well. Don’t give in. They won’t know. Stay far away again. No hurt, no harm done. You all can smile. I’m out of your sun. 

  

Originally Posted on MINDS LIKE OURS :

I found this website below to have a lot of useful worksheets: Tons of Therapy Worksheets are located here

Source: Worksheets

 

 

Anxiety Girl

Ocassionaly this is me. So accurately. Praying hard for no more than God’s grace & mercy. Deep breath. No less, it shall all pass.”-mistakenldy

“I have no words.” the first thing I said. Why? Because I literally couldn’t find the right ones in my head to begin to explain my thoughts and feelings. Silence is sometimes the most calming & effective thing for people like me. I have severe PTSD, anxiety AND ADHD. Click on the link to read more about this. Ha! IMG_2158Sucks but it is what is; reality as a part of life for me.

Today is my Mother’s birthday. Maybe my boyfriend’s question is right, “are you having a hard time w/ that today?” I said, “no.” But maybe he’s right now that I think about it. Maybe not.

“What is wrong?” he asks. My answer, “I don’t like it when my intelligence is insulted.” There’s a few reasons i feel like that. I’ve been lied to, manipulated, mentally spun in circles as though my mental strength was a science experiment.

Am I right? Ever? Ehhh, sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong. I am fearful each time this situation comes up; my mind spinning, emotions wherever (not always in one specific place) they can be classified as. What if I just spit shit out & it’s not the right words? What if I am just processing flashback emotions and it will pass? What if I am not realizing exactly what symptoms happening right now? How is the person going to react? Am I going to hurt them w/ my inability to express who, what, when, why, & how verbally? Are they going to take it right? Are they going to understand? Are they going to care even for a moment about who I am & what I deal with inside? Am I going to just get pushed away? In my world the answer to the very last questions is the ONLY result I see. “NO.”

That being said, I stay quiet. Try to process it & let the shit storm pass. Get through it & accept that this is life for me. Period. No one gives a damn & it’s just better in solitude. They always say they do & will be there not pushing me away saying they get it or atleast try to but each time once they know they have me & my soul, it isnt the same & that is all gone. And yes, “i’ll be embarrassed when I’m wrong.” I always feel like I’m a freak or stupid or off and just am screwed up so it is too hard for anyone to give me unconditional love I give.

Or who knows maybe it’s that I don’t know what that means at all. How could I right? The very person. The very one being that I came out of. She didn’t give me unconditional love. Everything & everyone comes with terms & conditions. While I do my very best to offer that to the ones I choose to hold dear in my heart & soul; I may never know what it’s like myself.

Other than God. He has that for me. That I have security in.
Clearly, I have a lot more learning to do.

Every single day of our lives comes with trials, lessons, tribulations, blessings, emotions touching & intertwining with each of our senses. Some wanted. Some unwanted. Mental illness/disorders such as PTSD/C-PTSD, and many others merely intensify these experiences.

For me, faith and a higher being (The Lord) is my saving grace. My light at the end of the tunnel when deep inside, all is black. He blesses me with His unconditional love as a Father, which I have never ever had & don’t know. Feel free to read more about my journey of life not knowing who my Dad is. Leave a comment. Share your thoughts or experiences if you may 🙂

God for my kids & I, He turned what seemed like the end, into a brand new beginning for us. I was homeless. Living in the battered women’s shelter. Lost everything. Surviving the 3rd account of Domestic Violence with my youngest’s Dad, and 3rd intimate abusive relationship. Surviving suicide. Suffering from ADHD, PTSD/C-PTSD, Anxiety, Depression & BPD traits. Everyone has different beliefs. I am certainly not one to judge or shove mine down your throat. Whatever it is that keeps you going, gives you hope, allows you to have the strength to get through each moment of the days we endure & live, this happens to be mine. Hope all you surivivors, amazing souls, community of support here and afar can smile one more smile that maybe you didn’t necassarily have when you woke up this morning!

I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love . I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.- God

Some people collect rare coins, or stamps, or ancient antiques.

Some fill their homes with exquisite jewels and vintage vinyl records; hearts swelling with pride as their trophies stagnate among swirling dust motes and the echo of past accolades.

Me, I’m a little different. I collect something infinitely more precious than anything I can buy or trade. I treasure soul mates.

I won’t love you immediately, I’m sorry. Sometimes I wish that I could, but I’m just not made that way. Some of you will never make it through the barriers of my heart. You won’t notice of course; you can’t miss what you have never had, and I don’t fancy myself so very important to your day-to-day life anyway.

I am a little magpie, whose eye is caught by the sparkle of certain souls. You will see me tilt my head to the side, looking at you, smiling through wry lips as I allow myself to see you. And once I do love you, I will move heaven and earth to adore you, no matter what, for as long as you allow me to.

You will never know a love like it.

I will keep you safely in my pocket and protect you fiercely. I will accept all of you: the light and the darkness. If I feel something beautiful in you, I will long to keep you forever. This is a double-edged sword, of course. “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” I’m the first to admit that I’m not very good at letting go of my treasured ones when the time comes, even when it is best for us both. Even though I understand that not everyone we meet is destined to be in our lives forever.

Logically, I understand. Emotionally, it hurts like hell.

Grief will render me senseless.

I will weep, and yell and, sometimes, I will behave badly. Forgive me please. Pain will do that to a person. It means that you have had such an impact on my life that I struggle to imagine what shape I will take without you. It means that I do not want to live in a world where we don’t talk everyday, and where your smile doesn’t light up my life on a regular basis.

It means that I don’t feel ready to say goodbye, even though it might be time.

Maybe you came to me because I was struggling, as angels often do, to share the heavy load that weighed on my heart. You wiped my tears away, softly soothed back my hair and let me know that everything would be okay, someday.

Perhaps you came to teach me about myself, about who I really am. To show me how to be strong, how to embrace the natural beauty of our world, and how to use it to inspire my creations. You gave me a piece of yourself to forever reflect within me and I truly love you for that.

I believe that I brought something to your life too; that we changed each other in ways that can never be undone, leaving footprints on each other’s soul to cherish. Yet, it appears we have taught each other all that we can for the moment.

We have shared our last sunset together and our laughter is a memory that resonates fondly in my heart.

This doesn’t mean we don’t love each other anymore, far from it. In fact, we love each other enough to want the other to continue their journey onwards through life, to new adventures and growth, and new soul mates with different lessons—knowing that they can always reach out to us with trembling hands in turbulent times.

Every time we let go, we make space for new and beautiful things to enter our lives. One door closes, and another is waiting to show us to fresh marvels, if we are brave enough to open it.

I am learning to hold on with gratitude to all that I learn from my soul mates, to cherish the time that we shared and to let them go if the time is right, without regret. I realize now that we must love with abandon, giving our hearts fully and freely, even knowing that one day it might hurt us badly.

The fact that love is not guaranteed forever makes it all the more precious.

Let’s treasure that.

JoJo Rawden