Archive for the ‘BPD’ Category

Advertisements

Wishing I didn’t feel anything at all. Not to be confused. Not to have my heart breaking. Not to feel anxiety. It would just be so much easier. 

The urge to cut is strong but I am stronger. With the help of a confidant and friend in the Lord it is a bit more bearable. I just feel so “EMPTY”. 

Unwanted, unloved and lost. All that I knew and grew to open up and love too is no longer it seems. Its all just “EMPTY”. 


It’s come to the point of defeat. Life has hit ground zero and for whatever reason, I’m numb. Deactivation, seclusion, isolation is best for me. Checking out-literally from social existence. I’m praying for all those dealing with their struggles, valleys, depths of despair and moments of sunshine. Hang on to those sun shines; because they are what is going to pull us through the darkness. 

My health is struggling badly. Physically worse than mentally. I’m not looking for pity, not looking for anything honestly just need to have my one safe place, wordpress it is! No judgements no misunderstanding, no room for failure here right? Each and everyone of us bloggers especially mental health junkies, well, we get to hide behind a screen but accept and understand one another all just the same. I’ve missed blogging but haven’t been able to put my chaotic thoughts into words (obviously) for one to begin to understand so I just bottled it all up. And cut. Yeah I’m a cutter. Finally I have to admit it to myself. 

Damnit I want a mom, a dad, just one frieken person that doesn’t come conditionally. Trying to be a perfect person is exhausting especially when you know how broken physically and mentally you are. Trying to remind myself I was once really happy. Once super strong. Once not too long ago wasn’t plagued and had a chance at a future, maybe a family of my own since I certainly was robbed of that from the start. Now it’s all impossible. I’m tainted & can only thank God for my kids, and I guess the breath in my lungs. 

Tomorrow has got to be a better day. It has to be. It’s not possible to be a screw-up forever is it? Who knows maybe no longer existing socially for awhile will be cleansing. I was once told, “When you are not wanted, there is no longer need for your existence.” Choosing to love yourself through the shame and defeat is the hardest thing to do, but I refuse to die even though I may cry. Taking my life is not going to accomplish anything. 

Tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be. It just has to be. 

Stay put don’t cut. Stay put don’t drink.

Don’t drive or wreck. 

Just be still & let it pass. 

Write it out…….I hate myself. Ruin the good creating unnecessary hurt. No therapy for going on almost 3months? Maybe. Yeah so I tried as much as I could. They said no. 

honest. Calm. Quiet. Genuinely tried. Failure. 

Wanting to cut. Hard. Harder than the last. Embarrassed. Ashamed. What happened to my strength? 

Stupid. “Insane.” Will never be good enough again. This is it, Me. 

The alcohol will make it numb. Not worth the risk. Wait is it. Maybe for the moment if it makes the turmoil and shitstorm go away that I create around me. 

Kids gone. I’m lost. He’s mad. AGAIN. I’m fault. 

Stay away. They will all be happy. 

That slit again. Against the skin. It is the freedom I live in. Hide it well. Don’t give in. They won’t know. Stay far away again. No hurt, no harm done. You all can smile. I’m out of your sun. 

Relationship Truth

There is always one.  One day. maybe. We all will have the chance again. 

Living with mental illness, surviving all the traumas. Odds seems so much less, everything in my world shattered. All because of me. Trying to see the light. The positivity. Grateful for the good, because there is. So much to smile about. 

Day by day, moment after moment. Praying. Doing the right thing. Solitude. Silence. Focus and growing while enduring the pain with a smile. Learning from each mistake made. Each experience, whether good or bad. Trying with all the might I have,  to be a better person. So this never happens again. Recover. Learn again. Push the pain away. Will it ever end?

Originally Posted on MINDS LIKE OURS :

I found this website below to have a lot of useful worksheets: Tons of Therapy Worksheets are located here

Source: Worksheets

 

 

Anxiety Girl

Ocassionaly this is me. So accurately. Praying hard for no more than God’s grace & mercy. Deep breath. No less, it shall all pass.”-mistakenldy

PTSD fact

Here explains having no words.

Trauma Tree

IMG_2968.PNG

“Before I got here, I thought for a long time that the way out of the labyrinth was to pretend that it did not exist, to build a small, self-sufficient world in the back corner of the endless maze and to pretend that I was not lost, but home.”  -John Green

Days it’s been; unable to find words for my thoughts. Today a bit harder than the rest. Prayer is it. All that I have. Why? I don’t know. Waiting for the storm to pass. It has to. Moments in the depth of defeat feeling like my feet, then legs, risen to my waist in the quicksand. Some days better than others but the strength is wearing thin. God can do this. He will get back in, making the weight lift from within. I can do this. I’m strong. I will defeat the dark. My soul to rise once again.

Breathe