“I have no words.” the first thing I said. Why? Because I literally couldn’t find the right ones in my head to begin to explain my thoughts and feelings. Silence is sometimes the most calming & effective thing for people like me. I have severe PTSD, anxiety AND ADHD. Click on the link to read more about this. Ha! IMG_2158Sucks but it is what is; reality as a part of life for me.

Today is my Mother’s birthday. Maybe my boyfriend’s question is right, “are you having a hard time w/ that today?” I said, “no.” But maybe he’s right now that I think about it. Maybe not.

“What is wrong?” he asks. My answer, “I don’t like it when my intelligence is insulted.” There’s a few reasons i feel like that. I’ve been lied to, manipulated, mentally spun in circles as though my mental strength was a science experiment.

Am I right? Ever? Ehhh, sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong. I am fearful each time this situation comes up; my mind spinning, emotions wherever (not always in one specific place) they can be classified as. What if I just spit shit out & it’s not the right words? What if I am just processing flashback emotions and it will pass? What if I am not realizing exactly what symptoms happening right now? How is the person going to react? Am I going to hurt them w/ my inability to express who, what, when, why, & how verbally? Are they going to take it right? Are they going to understand? Are they going to care even for a moment about who I am & what I deal with inside? Am I going to just get pushed away? In my world the answer to the very last questions is the ONLY result I see. “NO.”

That being said, I stay quiet. Try to process it & let the shit storm pass. Get through it & accept that this is life for me. Period. No one gives a damn & it’s just better in solitude. They always say they do & will be there not pushing me away saying they get it or atleast try to but each time once they know they have me & my soul, it isnt the same & that is all gone. And yes, “i’ll be embarrassed when I’m wrong.” I always feel like I’m a freak or stupid or off and just am screwed up so it is too hard for anyone to give me unconditional love I give.

Or who knows maybe it’s that I don’t know what that means at all. How could I right? The very person. The very one being that I came out of. She didn’t give me unconditional love. Everything & everyone comes with terms & conditions. While I do my very best to offer that to the ones I choose to hold dear in my heart & soul; I may never know what it’s like myself.

Other than God. He has that for me. That I have security in.
Clearly, I have a lot more learning to do.

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