In our world (battling w/ mental illness) those of use who have survived a suicide attempt; knowing deeply what it means, wanting, believing no longer existing is the only thing that will stop the pain. Not only of oneself but those around us. An unfortunate reality. This innate darkness. It. Is real. 
Friends are a blessing. True, genuine friends are a must. Loved ones. A must. Unconditional love, no question asked. No word too hard. Too much. All a definite must. This is what people like me need. Bringing us back to surface. 

We get to this place of darkness for one or many reasons (triggers if you may) that feel, seem, believe are unbearable. They are not. 

It. 

Is. 

Real. 

Stress can only be held inside, buried so deep, until it surfaces & erupts. 
For awhile I have pondered the perplexity of my loved ones happiness in excess of my own nonexistence. Feeling it would be vast. Abundant. This is not true. I had to have a reality check once again in order to NOT completely lose myself. 

So here it is:

I’ve had so much loss in death around me over the last several months. Over abundance of stress. BUT. Key word here. BUT. My children, God’s beautiful children He blessed me w/ on earth; they NEED me. They love me.  A roof over our heads.  A new running, reliable vehicle when there was no light for the truck driven before Monday. My Grandmother. The most selfless, honorable woman on this planet. Loving & excepting me as I am. A team in med school much needed to get through this mentally challenging chapter to reach the ultimate goal. Friends. Real true friends that care, respect, unjudging of my flaws. And last but definitely NOT least a partner. A man to share the smiles, laughter, pain, sweat, tears & adventure of life with. Each of us pray and/or hope for these treasures in our days of life at one point or another. I have been blessed. 

Last night I broke. It took too much out of me. I fell down. Weak. Dispared. My boyfriend; he helped me. Saved my life not even knowing. I had a plan. It made sense. Eliminate myself from the painful equation & all will be well for those closest to my heart. No more me dissapointing them. Making the wrong decisions. Saying & doing the wrong things at the wrong times. They would have peace b/c I would no longer be in order for there to be issue. Of any kind. 
The sweet innocent eyes of my children, the encouraging words of my little girl, “Momma I love you & you ARE perfect.” The man that reminds me daily of his depth, sincerity & honor of me as his woman. My person, not another can compare or begin to understand the bond & connection she & I have reminding me she loves me & cant exist without me. Friends. Male and female, Iron Maidens being the life line at the darkest lowest moments enforcing they have seen my strength. “I wont’t accept that as an option, you killing yourself.”my dear friend said today.  “Don’t even think that!” boyfriend said to me last night. 

It all is what save me from giving up. Saved me from my demons. Taking my life….oh how easy it would have been but the aftermath? The aftermath…..no one deserved. Therefore I chose to live.

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Comments
  1. gingersnap74 says:

    I love you my Iron Maiden sister. It breaks my heart knowing you have been hurting. Life wouldn’t be the same without you in it. You are a blessing to so many. I’m glad you found your anchors to stay afloat! xo

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Dear mistaken’, and brave warrior. This post was gut-wrenching for me and brought choked up tears to my eyes – a peppery CS gas feeling from old Marine Corps days lingering in my throat – as I read your trials and triumphs. Your friends and people around you treasure you. Your family treasures you. And yes, even as adults, kids can have the most cutting words. Even their silence is cutting.

    Just try to hold onto that they may feel like they’re caught in a crossfire and not even know how to explain what they are feeling. Feeling like they have to choose sides of loyalty and sell the other parent out to appease the other that’s neglected them for SO long. We are their anchor. We are their hope. We are their rock breakers at the end of the spit, that protects them from the onslaught of the storm. Though their words may sting and drive nails into our hearts, we (me of ALL people) need to remember that they are speaking from the heart, not the mind. The fog of war surrounds them in a visitation battle, and kids can’t process that. They lash. They slash. They send out word-knives in self defense. We must let them feel safe to do this, and STILL remain strong for them.

    Your trust in the Lord will help you along. His Holy Spirit will be your strength and crutch to fall on while the bombs and word-weapons are being launched at you from every direction. He will put your arm around Him and carry you through the firefight. Just call His name out. Tell Him your pain. Tell you can’t handle it and that you feel like leaving. Trust Him my dear friend. He will bring you through this valley.

    I am so thankful you are here with your people and humbled that you are able to share your story with us that go through the same pains. Thank you for your strength and vulnerability, you are a pillar of resiliency.

    X Chris

    Liked by 1 person

  3. secretangel says:

    I am so sorry that you are hurting like this. I pray that God will give you the Peace and comfort that you need and lead you out of this darkness. So many of us have been there… but God will see us through it. Praying for you. Many blessings to you!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi there, after reading your posts I have nominated you for the ‘Once a Victim Now a Survivor Award’. You aren’t obligated to accept, but if you do you can find all of the information through this link: https://berripushesthroughinsanity.wordpress.com/2015/07/14/once-a-victim-now-a-survivor-award/

    I chose you because I wanted you to know I could relate to what your writing about and you give me hope. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

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