Silence while screaming

Posted: February 25, 2015 in PTSD
Tags: , , , , ,

Welcome to My Safe Place

Hello and thank you for taking the time to join me. I have suffered from PTSD for years. My PTSD is a result of emotional & mental abuse as a child – physical, sexual, and mental abuse endured during past intimate relationships. My blog is randomly written as I am finding the way to put my thoughts into words while attempting to learn how to blog. My posts are random acts of expression in order to stop suppressing the constant screaming in my mind. I am trying to find my way, while helping others living like me. I am in the process on finding a comfortable structure for myself as well as my readers, and apologize if things seem disjointed at first.

My Story

After many bouts of long days, no sleep, and consistent chaos, my whole being is ready to shut down.

Deep breathe.

Check my tone of voice. Check my words. Its like pulling my feet one by one with all my strength to get each word calmly out of my mouth to anyone around me. While doing my very best to decipher the words of responses to any and all stimuli. I do it. I respond. It’s delayed and doesn’t always portray the intelligent individual bottled up, but at least it’s a response.

Inside. Well inside.

I am screaming for it all to stop. My soul is screaming. My body is stuck. Feet in the quick sand, fighting with all its might not to run away as fast as possible. Run from the noise, the stress, the chaos of emotions and uncontrollable tears wanting to burst from my eyes every passing millisecond.

My mind racing, screaming at the top of my lungs, “Dear God please make things normal. Please make the vicious cycle of negativity, manipulation, hurt, physical and mental pains encircling us, God just make it STOP!”

My heart racing, muscles tensing, flashes of the fights, the physical beatings and emotional beat downs, rushing back. Hearing that voice over and over and over again. Feeling like a failure. Nothing is ever enough. The constant shift from one of their little souls to another, saying and doing all the things from learned behaviors of our abuser. The gentle, calm approach to the subject of issue having zero penetration to the hard shell of misunderstanding and hurt. Zero effect to the positive outcome. All they know is to argue, keep pushing with words, push Momma until she finally raises her voice or cries. That’s what Daddy did.

I fight to stay silent. Fight harder to stay calm, say the gentle words they need to hear, fight the hardest to quiet the screaming inside of my head, reliving the putrid words flashing like a neon sign across my forehead. Fight to find the strength not to collapse in tears or run for dear life. Asking for God to please, please give me understanding and see through their innocent eyes. Give me the way with Him to break this awful cycle destroying our smiles, their smiles. Our so deserving smiles.

The road is long but certainly possible. Sometimes feeling like it will never get better but knowing with God’s grace, it will. I am learning to silence the beast of pain. Trusting that the persistance of positivity will quiet the screaming going on within. Thank God their beautiful selves can’t hear the screaming or read it on the pages upon pages we lived through in the past 10 years, shuffling through my head.

Staying silent while the screaming goes on, is mastering the mind of PTSD.

Thank you for visiting my safe place and taking your time to join me. I’m looking forward to having a dialogue about our experiences.

How have you dealt with PTSD in your own life?

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